Written by Cristian Stanic
‘Tis the season once again, the time for indecisiveness and reckless spending when buying gifts. You’re probably already thinking hard about what to get for your family and friends, but what about the superheroes that have touched your lives this year? Allow us to save you from your indecisiveness and stop you from purchasing some last minute novelty soap for them!
Aquaman – Trident Polish: $40
Being a superhero who is mainly based underwater comes with a few more issues than just the run-of-the-mill fish jokes. For one thing, rust. It spoils your gear! How are you supposed to leap into a battle dramatically if your powerful ocean-controlling trident is rusted from salt water exposure? The answer; trident polish. Keep your battle fork nice and strong, and with a nice shine to boot. Slay countless Parademons and look good while doing it! (Side note, consider some hair care products as well. Salt water dries out the hair. Keeping your locks as luscious as possible is paramount when you’re a hero.)
Batman – Batarang Edge Protectors: $30 each
Let’s not beat around the Batcave, those batarangs are dangerous. You could poke someone’s eye out with one of those. To ensure the safety of all elderly crime fighters, young naïve sidekicks, faithful butlers, and villains, invest in some foam safety edge protectors for your Batman this Christmas. The foam guard slips nicely on to the edge of all batarangs, so they’re fun, and more importantly, totally safe to play with.
Superman – Breath Mints: $Don’t be cheap, they’re mints
A present can’t always be sweet and nice. Sometimes, they need to be harsh, but truthful. As the Clown Prince of Crime once said, “you gotta be cruel to be kind.” And just because they’re blunt doesn’t mean they’re not thoughtful. Case in point, breath mints for the Man of Steel. When one of your superpowers involves just breathing on people, you gotta have nice breath. No crook is gonna take a superhero seriously if their breath smells like a Kryptonian Foot Locker. This is the nicest way to tell him. Who else will? The Justice League? Not likely. He could kill them all without even trying that hard. Break the news gently, with fancy wrapping and a nice card, to soften the crushing blow.
The Hulk – Acupuncture Needle Set: $100
Do you have a friend who just needs to chill out sometimes? Are they prone to terrifying mood swings? Are they irritable, quick to anger? Let them passive-aggressively know that they need to take a damn chill pill. Help them relax. Unwind. De-stress. Let your superhero know that turning into a giant green rage monster isn’t the answer. (We also recommend scented candles, calming ocean sounds, and light meditation.)
Wonder Woman – A regular lasso: $such a weirdly specific item, we really have no clue
It’s time someone told Diana the Lasso of Truth is a total invasion of privacy. Why not just use a regular lasso? It’ll have (mostly) the same availabilities, (minus the magical strength), and it won’t make criminals and allies feel extremely uncomfortable whenever it comes out. Is catching criminals truly as important as violating the human rights of villains and co-workers?
Thor – A new hammer: $?
We don’t think it’s possible to put a price tag on a replacement for the mighty Mjolnir… But, come on, lord knows he needs one. Console him, in his time of grief. Go down to Bunnings and get the God of Thunder Down Under a new hammer. It may not be able to control lightning, but it could summon up a delicious snag next to the front door.
Deadpool – Unicorn pillow pet: $25
You can’t go wrong with a faithful plush friend. For one thing, they’re soft and comfortable companions on those cold and lonely nights, and for another, they transform from a pillow… into a pet! That’s some wacky stuff. Not to mention, the ‘pet’ configuration allows for an excellent space to carry a concealed piece, in case you get run up on by any secret Canadian mutant-making agencies, or whoever the bad guy in the sequel is (we wanna see Taskmaster). Deadpool’s a confirmed big unicorn fan, so he’s sure to love this very special gift!
Black Widow – Superpowers $?
Ah, okay. Wishful thinking is important… But let’s keep it realistic, yeah?